Well, not you and I necessarily, but I need to talk and I don’t mean to be dramatic. Ever since the algorithm changed on our beloved Instagram I’ve often found myself getting more and more anxious to the point I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I’ve watched as the numbers were falling, everything I had worked for started fading. I hear how stupid that sounds and if this was two or three year ago I wouldn’t be bothered. But now, social media being a reason why I can pay bills every month, my heart began sinking with the statistics. I hate that. Not that I don’t get as much likes as before, no one really cares, I absolutely hate how negatively it has ended up effecting me. I started questioning everything I did. What am I doing wrong? Am I boring? Ugly? What do I have to change? Why don’t people care about my work anymore? And I got tired, unmotivated and uninspired. I wasn’t happy with what I brought to the table, mostly because it was forced and I know I’m not alone with that thought. I’ve seen people like me tiring themselves out trying their best to regularly bring new creative content to just entrain their audience and forgetting how they really feel. I can admit that most of my content still is not a reflection of who I am as an “artist”. I’m a watered down version of myself. I got so dependent on pleasing the larger crowd because that’s when I saw the result I was expecting and it felt good – for a while. But this is just the tip of the iceberg. Instagram is not the core of my wellbeing – obviously and luckily. I feel like I’m losing and that including the most important thing in my life, that obviously not being social media. But I’m probably overreacting and in a short while will say to myself ‘lol that was lame’ and carry on like I always do. I know it doesn’t show when I’m low, stressed or anxious if you don’t see me personally on a daily basis because in the company of others I’m the happy side of myself, I’m laughing and cracking jokes at any given moment so it’s not like I blame people for not knowing since I’m not talking about it. Mostly because I don’t want to be a bother. But then again, a genuine “how are you?” could lift someone’s spirit even if their answer is just “I’m good” although it might not be and I feel like people don’t understand that. I know it’s cliché but I just want this year to be over so I can turn over on a new leaf because I haven’t been quite myself the past couple of months. I don’t know what next year holds or what’s gonna happen and it scares the shit out me. Is it going to be “my year”? Am I going to have to move? It could be one or the other, or something in between. Nothing is decided but everything is a possibility. I honestly have no idea what’s in store but I’ll set my goals and do whatever I can to get there. I’ve been meaning to post this for a while but something has been holding me back but for the sake of myself and others and for the truth to be told that it’s okay to not be okay.